Sunday, December 28, 2008

i should be packing.

i have been attempting the impossible these last two days. trying to pack up our entire house and yet make it look tidy and welcoming to guests who will be staying with us our last days in this beautiful home. i promise i am packing and not sitting on my computer blogging away. in a way, i need this to distract me from allowing myself to pull away from the emotional attachment i have to this place. as much as i have moved, you would think that i would know how to do this. however, this house broke my "non-commital" stride, and has been the longest relationship i have had with a home in over a decade.
we all have those things that are hard for us to pack away, even if it is for a few weeks. the sight of them makes us feel at home, or makes us think of someone, memories that we hold on to. if we put them in a box, we risk getting them smashed, broken, or maybe even forgotten. i realized that i have too many of those things in my little ol' room that might just have to stay in their special place til it is time to part from the shelter of these redwoods. the garland you wore on your head 20 years ago at your parent's wedding, the stuffed animal that you pretend you still don't sleep with in order that people don't make fun of you, the wine cork from that time you were with that boy who would later come to break your heart, your grandmother's bible that you gave her for her birthday is now back in your care, and then you get to the pictures....oh the pictures, i can't even go there ha.
so i guess, this is an ode to the place that once was a home for these love, i have a feeling this won't be the last. i mean really, two years is a long time in venessa years.

p.s. i am lame and don't own a picture of our casa, so thanks to dan's is our porch.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

let it snow.

it is funny how our priorities change as we grow older every christmas. i remember laying in bed anxiously awaiting the arrival of santa and actually thinking i could hear his reindeer land on our roof. the night seemed to drag on, and when the sun came up, i was pounding on my parent's door and already at it to see what was in store for me under the christmas tree. i remember marveling over the mystery that he could figure out when we were at my grandparents and how he would slide down that tiny chimney.
now my body grows tired and i sleep deep the night before christmas...there is only A parent, and she is the one pounding on my door trying to get me to open presents. there is no fireplace, no grandparent's house in the snow, and i tend to want to watch people open their gifts, rather than open my own.
at first, i get sad when i think of this change...when i think of all the changes that have brought on a different christmas. i thought of these changes on the drive home from denny's on christmas eve, and before i let myself let those thoughts lead to tears, i felt a sparkle. for the first time in over 10 years i spent christmas eve with my dad, it may have not been in the most classy of circumstances, and i may have been the initiator, but he still showed up at 10pm christmas eve and met me at denny's and i enjoyed every moment and awkward silence. earlier that night, i spent the evening with my aunt who is spending the third christmas without my uncle. though we have the confidence that he is in a better place, it gets hard to open your christmas presents by yourself in the morning, or wrap presents for a grandchild who resembles him in every way that he never got a chance to know. by the time i pulled up to my house and saw my mom's car in the driveway, i was glowing. every year she goes out of her way to make up for the years before, and makes a big feast and just spills her love on my brother and i. these changes have led to good things, my heart is overflowing with love for my mother, when i might have overlooked her before for an iphone, a fancy camera, or a cabbage patch doll under the tree. i soak in my times with my aunt, knowing that life is fragile, and in a blink of eye she could be gone. i treasure the minutes with my dad, whether we spend christmas eve in denny's or taco bell. i have come to learn that the presence of those i love is present enough in my life.
p.s. yup thats my grandpa, ernie rude.